For all who know me well, it comes as no surprise that my deepest desire in life is to be a mother. I have yearned to fulfill (or at least begin!) this purpose for a long time. Jonathan and I decided that we would commemorate our 5 year wedding anniversary by initiating efforts to start our family. (It sounds kind of clinical saying that way, but I don't want to overwhelm you with too much information.) :) Overjoyed to be starting the family I have fantasized about for years, I have been tracking my fertility for nearly 5 months. (For those of you women out there who don't do this - you need to! It's liberating to have a full understanding of the beautiful process our bodies go through every month in order to produce life. I highly recommend reading "Taking Charge of Your Fertility." It will change how you view your body!) Okay, many people think I'm OCD or crazy for charting my fertility, which is understandable given how few people are aware of fertility tracking and its many benefits. Still, I have found it highly fulfilling, so I try to ignore all the snarky comments about how obsessive I am. The charting has paid off. No, I'm not pregnant. However, the charting allowed me to track some weird fertility signs for the past three months more accurately. I have not had a period in more than 3 months. Weird, huh? I felt continually worried, stressed, disappointed, and sad every time I would take a pregnancy test, thinking that my period was overdue. I've also grown despondent with hearing - "You're just stressed - try not to think about it!" or "It's probably the pill." Greeeaaat...that's really helpful. Try not thinking about a white elephant - can YOU do it? Yeah, didn't think so.
Fed up with these well-intentioned but not-so-helpful comments, I decided to see a doctor week before last. And guess what - he loved my charts! He is an OB and he thoroughly read my charts from the past 5 months. He said they were extremely helpful and some of the nicest he's seen in practice. (Gold star for me!) He said what I was experiencing was absolutely not normal, and I have numerous other symptoms that interested him. He took some blood to run tests and I had the whole weekend to wait.
My follow-up appointment was last Monday and he had some very interesting news for me. I have hypothyroidism. And a bad case of it, too. Normal TSH levels range from .4-4.0 (with 2.0-4.0 considered "subclinical hypothyroidism"). My TSH levels were 22.7. Seriously!
I've had more than a week to think about this and my emotions have ranged from surprise, to elation, excitement, relief, bouts of crying and smiling, gratitude, disappointment, etc. I will be taking hormone replacement therapy for the rest of my life and will have to be closely monitored when I do get pregnant.
Overall, I am immensely relieved. First, this explains so many things that I've struggled with my entire life: constipation (despite fiber supplements), dry skin, fatigue, depression/moodiness, brittle nails, amenorrhea alternating with heavy periods, and most of all, unexplainable weight gain. I have led a super healthy lifestyle for years now - vegetarian, no fried foods, no soda, no sugar, whole grains, low fat, lots of veggies - working out every other day, running, yoga. In the midst of this, I have gained 10 pounds in a year (nearly 10% of my body weight) while eating around 1200 calories a day and working out. I've gained 4 of those pounds in two months while dieting. I've been so frustrated and depressed about this, not realizing that there is a real cause (I was beginning to think that this is just a woman-thing). Most people with hypothyroidism tend to be overweight, so I'm lucky that I have always worked hard to be healthy. I was beginning to wonder if it would ever pay off, but I can see now that it did - I'm not overweight! :)
Relief #2: I never thought I would say this, but I am relieved that I didn't get pregnant. Untreated hypothyroidism, even mild cases, increases the risk for miscarriage, preeclampsia, preterm birth, and stillbirth, as well as birth defects. Jonathan and I are both very grateful that I am getting treatment before getting pregnant. Once my thyroid levels are normal, I will be fine to get pregnant and the baby will be safe.
Thus the title of this post is what my mother always says: "The Universe knows what it's doing." There was a reason that I was not getting pregnant, and unbeknownst to me, it was a very good one. This has been yet another lesson in patience and learning not to get too attached to the plans that I have for my life. I'm a good planner, but plans made on limited information (and we will always only have limited information) should be viewed as tentative at best.
