The Chubs

 We are affectionately nicknaming Quinn "The Chubs" lately. I weighed him at home yesterday, and at 11 weeks old, he weighs 17.6 pounds! He is actually off the growth charts; 98th percentile for his age is 16 pounds. He is developing quickly in other areas as well. He started teething at 9 weeks! Thankfully the colic seems to be calming down, so we are only dealing with one source of crying at the moment. He is starting to sleep more through the night; we get about four consecutive hours now! The most exciting new thing is the level of social engagement. He is all smiles and squeals. He seems to recognize his name and "mommy". It is such a thrill when he gives me huge grins when he sees me. He is almost always sunny in the mornings, and he loves the mirror. He is able to use his hands more intentionally now, too. He stares at the little fish on his swing and bats at it. He is also more content in his swing lately, which makes cooking easier. He still likes to sleep on me, but I don't mind. He will be wanting to be independent of me before I know it!

I didn't update after our Vegas trip in November. It went better than we could have anticipated. He slept and nursed through both flights! He hates the car, so we were really worried about how he would handle the flights. We felt so bad about taking a 7 week old baby down the Las Vegas strip, though! It just felt wrong. We console ourselves by saying that his first trip was to an academic conference that was coincidentally in Las Vegas...

After we got home from the conference we celebrated the first holiday in our new home - Thanksgiving. After all the travel, Quinn was very fussy, so we didn't want to take him on more trips for the holiday. We stayed home and had a lovely dinner with my mom, sister, and her boyfriend. I even found time to make a homemade pumpkin pie and gingerbread cookies!

The last couple of weeks have been busy with finishing my two jobs, Jonathan's work, holiday parties on campus, and taking care of the chubs. I absolutely love being home with him and am grateful that, thanks to Jonathan's job, I will be able to work only one job next semester (which is online and I can do from home). Despite being constantly covered in baby puke, pee, or poop, I couldn't be more content with my new role as mother and near-housewife. The transition has been easier with the support of a wonderful husband and mother; my mom comes over at least twice a week to hold Quinn, let me shower, do my dishes, sweep my floor...everyone needs a mom like her. Now we are looking forward to spending our first Christmas in our own home as a family.

The Birth Story Post

As I sit here with a sleeping, chubby, two-month-old boy in my arms, I feel I may finally be ready to put our birth story into words. I have waited so long because the memory of it has been too raw, too fresh, too intense before now. It was so much more, and yet so much less, than I had hoped for.

As many of you know, we planned to give birth at home. It is controversial and everyone has an opinion on home birth, but we did our research and felt it was the best option for our family. I can cite research later if you are dying to know why it is better than hospital birth for healthy women. It is something I have always felt passionate about, which is why we hired a midwife as soon as we found out we were pregnant. My midwife is amazing - we have such a strong bond now that we even say "I love you" before we hang up the phone. Every woman needs a midwife! Okay, back to the story.

After 5 weeks of contractions, my water broke. We were excited because this speeds up labor for most women. We figured that the birth would be well on its way given that I had had contractions for so long up to that point. After 24 hours with no improvement in the contractions, we discussed the possibility of infection. We decided that we would check in to the hospital if the contractions did not pick up after 48 hours. After trying every trick in the book to get them going (even drinking castor oil!), my contractions were no further along 48 hours after my water broke. Our midwife came over, we packed the car, my mom picked up J.J., and we headed to the hospital. At this point, I felt that we were making the right decision, and I was more excited about the reality of Quinn's impending birth than I was sad about losing the home birth.

We checked into the hospital at 11am. We knew that they would start me on Pitocin if I was not far along in dilation. I was at 3cm, not far enough along to go it alone. After two failed attempts, they finally got the IV started. With big blood bruises on my arm, we waited for the pitocin to kick in. We were excited - this was really happening! We were having a baby! The contractions started to pick up and I was passing what seemed to me to be a lot of blood. Very quickly the contractions got intense and close together - far worse than anything I had experienced before. After an hour or two, I had dilated to 5cm. The contractions got so intense and painful that they began to resemble the pattern that occurs during transition in a natural labor - the worst part of labor, when some women say that they want to die. It was agonizing. The contractions would spike, barely decrease, then go up another 15 seconds later. They called this pattern "camel-backing", because several contractions would come in a row without a break. This is not the pattern that natural labor takes. Even at its worst, there are breaks of around a minute during natural labor. Jonathan and Kim did everything to ease the pain, but it was unbearable. Kim asked if I could wait it out until the next cervical check, and if I was at 8 or 9cm, I said I could make it naturally. They checked me after another hour - 5.5cm. I knew then that I couldn't bear it without help. Pitocin is the drug from hell - ask any woman who has had it. My midwife later told me that she has never had a patient - in 35 years of practice - who was able to give birth on pitocin without pain relief. I desperately begged for pain relief, despite my strong convictions to never use it. This was a moment of desperation and shame for me. I knew I needed it, because I honestly thought death sounded preferable to the pain I was in. But to hunch over and get a needle in the back felt like defeat to me. I would no longer be in control of my birth - birth was happening to me, rather than me actively giving birth to my child.

Despite my shame, the epidural was a tremendous relief. I could still feel the contractions, but the pain was largely gone. I was able to feel the joy again of what was happening. Jonathan and I spent the next 10 hours together, watching the monitor and waiting for the urge to push. After 14 hours of labor, it was time to push - 1:30am. I was so excited to push because it felt like I was finally going to be able to DO something to bring my baby into the world. I wanted to lay on my side rather than my back because it felt like I had more power that way. Jonathan got behind me, wrapped his arms around my back and right leg, and whispered into my ear each time I had to push. We were doing it together and it was an incredible experience for us as a couple. Though I was only 8cm dilated, Quinn had descended further into the canal, so the doctor recommended that I push a little to get to 10cm. I later found out that I was very close to needing a c-section because Quinn was coming out faster than my body could allow. After an hour of pushing, the nurse apologized and said she thought it would be another hour. I said, "That's okay, I like this game!" She thought that was hilarious. But I loved pushing. I felt so powerful, so energized. Once Quinn's little head was visible, the doctors came in and brought a large mirror for us so we could see what was happening. We watched him crown, and I cried when I reached down and could feel the hair on his head. Jonathan and I watched as I pushed his head out, and in one more push, his body slid out. Our baby was born!

This is the part that wrenches my heart and has made it so hard to write about. I have done a lot of research on early cord clamping and had decided that I wanted them to allow the cord to stop pulsating before cutting it, to allow the baby to receive all of his blood. Unfortunately, the hospital is antiquated and has a policy that the only way they allow the cord to pulse is to keep the baby below the uterus, out of the mother's arms. This is not evidence-based, and despite arguing with them, they held firm to this policy. I had decided earlier in the evening that I would forgo holding him to allow the cord to finish pulsing. While pushing however, the doctors asked if I would like to go ahead and cut the cord and hold him if he was pink and vigorous. In a moment of fuzzy-headed excitement to hold my baby (and exhaustion), I said yes. I will always regret this. After Quinn was born, they cut the cord and handed him to me. It was the most beautiful moment of my life. I felt as if I was the one who was being re-born. I held him to me and cried as Jonathan leaned in close and cried with me. Quinn was crying - what a beautiful sound! I was instantly in love.

Moments later, Quinn went pale and stopped crying. Before I knew what was happening, they took him away. Jonathan followed them into a room connected to our room, filled with medical staff. They said they had to start an IV and were worried about infection due to the time my membranes were ruptured before birth. This was the hardest time of my life. I hadn't even gotten to look at my son, count his fingers and toes, or put him to the breast before they took him away. I was terrified - I couldn't see or hear what was happening, but I knew he wasn't crying. I couldn't be with him because I had to deliver the placenta and they wouldn't let me out of bed because of the epidural. I sobbed. An hour went by and the doctor gave me a couple of updates. They tried 10 times to start an IV - in his little head, hands, and feet - but they all failed. They were calling in a neonatal anesthesiologist. Jonathan was kicked out of the room. For another hour we waited without word as to what was going on with our son. They told us we couldn't see him because we weren't sanitary - though the other 14 people in the small room were. Apparently hand sanitizer only works on medical professionals, not parents. Finally, Jonathan insisted on finding out what was going on (after I had been crying and cussing for some time). They had to sew the IV into his umbilical cord and were waiting to decide if he needed to go to the NICU for observation. I was told that I wouldn't even get to see or hold him if he was taken. Thankfully, Quinn pinked up very quickly after receiving the IV fluids, confirming that there was nothing wrong with him and would have been fine had he been allowed to receive all of his blood from the placenta. I was finally able to hold him two hours after his birth. He latched onto the breast the moment he was placed in my arms, and he hasn't left since! We stayed at the hospital for 48 hours because they were worried about infection. Neither of us had an infection, and Quinn was perfectly healthy.

Perhaps it is due to the most precious two hours I missed, or perhaps it is just the type of mom I am, but I have not wanted to put this boy down since the moment he was placed in my arms. I love him more than life itself and want nothing more than to be with him. We are incredibly close, despite the rough start. Though I will probably never forgive myself for saying yes when I knew better than to let them cut the cord, I hope that I will one day be able to view our birth story as something beautiful. It is beautiful if for no other reason that it was the birth of my beautiful son and the birth of our family.

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6 weeks and more

The past few weeks have been unbelievably busy. These days I thank God for a hot shower and warm meal - no extra time for reading, blogging, or emailing! Here's what has been going on around here.

I have been battling recurrent mastitis for the last three weeks. I kept getting the infection (flu-like) symptoms the first two weeks. Now I just keep getting the painful plugged ducts without the infection. I've been to the doctor, seen my midwife, and talked with lactation specialists. They think it might be an oversupply issue that is causing the recurrent mastitis and some of Quinn's distress. Oversupply can cause an aggressive let-down, which floods the baby and results in crying and irritation while feeding. It can also result in excess gas and cause the baby to get too much lactose and not enough fats - thus the constant feeding and time spent awake. Hopefully this will resolve itself over time. I've been taking probiotics, trying to rest, and feeding Q on one side at a time to try to reduce the supply and clear the ducts. I am also trying a dairy-free diet for a few weeks to see if a dairy sensitivity might be causing the colic.

Quinn is growing like a weed! He will have his 6 week checkup tomorrow - our final appointment with our midwife. I am incredibly sad to end care with her - she is so dear to me now. Quinn still has symptoms of reflux and colic. He spends very little time each day sleeping - on a bad day, about 4 hours spread over two or three naps. He sleeps okay at the beginning of the night, waking about every 90 minutes, but sleeps fitfully from about 2am until the alarm goes off at 6. He still likes to nurse all the time. I love nursing him and sharing those special moments together, even when I am sleep-deprived and worn out. Last Thursday he smiled at me for the first time! It was so exciting! He looked at me in the mirror and gave me a huge smile. Since then he gives us a few good smiles every day. He also gave me a happy squeal today. He spends more of his awake time looking around and grabbing at things. He seems to be aware of his hands now, because he likes to grab our faces and clothes. He is starting to get some longer hair at the crown of his head - and they are curly! We will see whose hair he inherited... He loves to hold his head up and look around, and loves to stand and bounce on your lap. He is cooing and "singing" a lot more lately, and it is so exciting to hear his little voice. He and J.J. are also forging a relationship - J.J. licks his face and hands (and dirty diapers - yuck!), and Quinn will grab J.J.'s hair if you put his hands on him. He sleeps like his daddy - with his mouth wide open and his arms above his head or holding his face. He really only sleeps if he is on someone or lying right next to us - otherwise, he wakes as soon as you lay him down. I don't mind though - I love spending time with him. I am in love with Quinn and feel so privileged to be his mother (though I have my moments of wishing that he would just sleep and stop crying!). His need for me and the love in his eyes are an incredible reward for the sacrifices of motherhood.

In addition to being busy surviving the newborn period, we have moved into our first home this past weekend. We celebrated Halloween by closing on the house and getting some pumpkin beer (don't worry, I'm not drinking it). We are still unpacking and getting the house setup, but we are in love with our new home. Pictures will follow once it is no longer a disaster area. :)

An early smile at Daddy

Four weeks old and enjoying the lovely Fall weather.

Sleeping in the carrier

A rare moment sleeping in his swing

Mouth open - as usual!

I just peed on Daddy!!!

Smiling at Grandma - My mom is amazing at getting him to smile and sleep! She is the "Quinn whisperer"!

My first Halloween and smiles!

Napping with Daddy in our new home.

Looking handsome for closing on our home.

Three weeks - a short update

I have lots of pictures to post but not a lot of time, so they will have to come later. This past week has been a rather rough one. Quinn hardly slept (i.e., 1 hour a night one day last week, and about a total of 3-5 hours in naps) and has had a lot of painful crying bouts. We have both been worn out! On Monday I took him to the doctor to see if he has reflux and the doctor prescribed Zantac for it. So far it seems to be helping. He is sleeping more (though still staying awake for 5+ hours at a time, which is unusual for a newborn), and has had very few painful crying bouts. We are hopeful that it will fix the issue. At the same time, I contracted mastitis. I've been home on bed rest for a few days, trying to rest as much as little Q will let me and drinking tons of water. I had a fever, chills, body aches, and pain where the clogged milk duct is. Today I am feeling better - the flu-like symptoms are gone and I am hopeful that the clog is on its way out. My midwife thinks I probably just got dehydrated and exhausted trying to keep up with a baby that cries and won't sleep, as well as having returned to teaching and trying to prep for a move that will happen in a week and a half.
Fun news - Quinn weighed 11 pounds at his appointment - that's a pound and a half gained in one week! He is out of his newborn clothes and about to grow out of most of his 3 month old clothes. He is such a joy and getting super chubby!
More later when we are both well!

Two Weeks Old!

 Hello, Quinn here again. Yesterday I turned two weeks old. My mommy and daddy can't believe it. I have grown and changed so much already! At my one week check-up, I had already surpassed my birth weight, weighing in at 8 pounds. At my two week check-up this morning, I weighed 9 pounds! I am focusing my eyes more, especially on faces. I am also working hard to hold my head up all by myself. I smile a lot in my sleep, and mom and dad are looking forward to my first socially induced smile.

We do a lot of this in the mornings...

I'm still nursing around the clock; for example, I nursed yesterday morning at 6, 7,7:30 and 8-9:15! I am a hungry boy and nursing is also great bonding time for me and mommy. Most nights are getting a bit easier. I still wake up almost every hour to eat, but I'm getting better at going back to sleep afterward. I am a very content and sweet baby, and my only ailment is that I get a bit gassy some days, which involves an hour or two of inconsolable crying. I apparently swallow a lot of air while gorging myself on milk. I'm already a popular guy, because I get a lot of visits from family and friends.

Cake from some wonderful students - there were also blue balloons and banners all over the classroom!

Mom is excited to be losing the "baby weight"

This week mom went back to teaching her class in the evenings. Both nights I curled up on daddy and slept through the entire class. Her students even threw her a welcome back party with a cake with my picture on it! Mom is also excited to have lost her "baby weight". She highly recommends a strict diet in pregnancy (thanks to gestational diabetes) and the breastfeeding diet!
It's tough not getting a lot of sleep sometimes, but my parents feel that their lives are already so normal with me around. Big brother J.J. is starting to feel comfortable with me too - he gave me a big kiss this morning! Mom will post sometime soon about the birth - she says she is still processing the entire event. In the meantime, here are some fun pictures that my grandma took this week.

Dreaming of boobies...

Hello, my name is Quinn!

My mommy and daddy have been very busy taking care of me this week, but since this is my one week birthday, they figured they should post some pictures of my first week. I was born at 3:33am on Thursday, September 27 at the University hospital. We went home on Saturday, and we are all doing great. I eat all the time and have hardly lost any of my birth weight. I am a very calm baby except when I have gas. Mommy is pretty tired and is grateful for donated food and showers, but loves being my mother. She nurses me all day and sings to me. Daddy spends lots of time with me on his chest and plays his guitar for me. Despite a somewhat difficult birth, we are all bonding beautifully in our first week as a family. Here is our first week together in photos. Mom will post more details about my birth and our time at home when things calm down a bit.

 

 

Checked in to our hospital room - 11am on Wednesday, September 26.

Mom after 14 hours of labor. Almost time to push!

Our first family photo.

Mother-son bonding.

Sleepy.

Getting ready to leave the hospital at noon on Saturday.

Daddy-son bonding.

Quiet alert time with daddy.

Crashed on mommy.

5 days after my birth.

I have my daddy's hands and feet.

39 Weeks - supposedly a week closer

39 Weeks

Oh, I'm hanging in there. Some days I do well, and other days I feel like I'm hanging by a thread. After resigning myself to the idea that Quinn won't be born for another 3 weeks, we had some more progress that got my hopes up. (Skip next sentence if you don't like details about female bodily fluids.) I passed my mucus plug - the entire thing - on Friday and Saturday. I was very encouraged because for most women, this means that active labor is imminent. I was also having very strong regular contractions. I should have known better - this is an indication for most women.  Just as nesting, nausea, diarrhea, and regular, frequent contractions are signs of labor for most women, these apparently mean nothing for me. I have been dealing with all of the signs that usually send women to the hospital or calling their midwife for 4 long weeks. So instead of the usual, "call when they are 4-5 minutes apart for an hour and last a minute or longer," which has been happening for weeks, my caregivers told me to call when they are so intense that I can't talk through them. Beginning yesterday afternoon, the contractions were very intense. By dinnertime, I was on the floor, rocking back and forth, and humming through them. Jonathan had to call the midwife because I couldn't talk. After hours of this and passing my plug, we were hopeful. The midwife came and was also pretty convinced that this was "the real thing." She checked me - no further dilation. I wasn't too disheartened because I figured I could go on like that for a day or two. I am prepared for that. What I am not prepared for is to go through intense contractions for 9+ hours for nothing. I woke up this morning - contractions were irregular and less intense. They have still been there enough today to slow me down and make me pretty miserable, but clearly not enough to get this baby out. I am not ashamed to admit that I cried in Jonathan's arms this morning in despair. How can so many women have contractions for hours and then have a baby at the end? How can some have them for weeks with nothing to show for it? I am so exhausted, so tired of feeling like I can't make plans, canceling classes and appointments, only to have it go nowhere. I am beyond frustrated and discouraged at this point - this is getting to the point of depression. It doesn't help to have friends (who I love dearly!) who have their babies after 5 hours of contractions. I know I can do this, I know it will be worth every single contraction - I know this. Just the thought of my son gives me resolve. But why does it have to be this hard? I know labor and birth are supposed to be painful, long, and hard - but why so much harder for some than others?

Husband of the year

Okay, enough with the pity party. Thank you, readers, for continuing to read despite the rant of negativity. All I have to do is pull myself out of my own fog of frustration and realize how many beautiful blessings I have. The first and foremost? Jonathan. He is a never-ending fount of compassion and support. You would think that he would get tired of having a wife in labor for 4 weeks. I challenge you to find a husband who has had a greater challenge and handled it better! You would think it started yesterday with the way he responds. He holds me, rubs my back, sings to me, gets me whatever I need, and is always loving me despite my frequent meltdowns. I know what I have, and I never cease to be amazed or grateful.

Loving my Fall baby

Blessing #2: A healthy baby! Quinn has handled the labor beautifully. He is always moving and his heartbeat is always strong and variable at our appointments. He never seems to have a problem with the contractions, which is incredibly reassuring. However, I imagine he must be getting impatient, too. He has been in the same position - head down, back to my right side, bottom in the air - for a month. His little head is always bearing down, so he is doing his job beautifully. I imagine him pushing down and saying, "I'm trying hard, momma! What's the secret password?" My response: "I wish I knew, son!"

He is continuing to grow and put on weight this week:
"Your baby's waiting to greet the world! He continues to build a layer of fat to help control his body temperature after birth, but it's likely he already measures about 20 inches and weighs a bit over 7 pounds, a mini watermelon. (Boys tend to be slightly heavier than girls.) The outer layers of his skin are sloughing off as new skin forms underneath."

Blessing #3: Jonathan has been hired to teach in the Honors College next semester! It came out of nowhere - he got a call early last week with the job offer. This is a class he has been wanting to teach for years. He will be working with cream-of-the-crop instructors (who teach other sections of the same class), and cream-of-the-crop students. AND he will get paid on top of his new salary!

If he only knew that he will have his own yard to play in soon!

Blessing #4: It's fall! I absolutely love Fall! I love the colors, the smells in the air, the promise of holidays, the food (which I will be able to eat once Quinn is born!), and the weather. It has been pleasantly warm in the afternoons and surprisingly cool at night. We've been able to have the doors and windows open. J.J. and I even played outside last week. 

Blessing #5: All of my loving and encouraging family and friends! You don't realize how many people really care about you until you go through a hard time like this. I truly appreciate the sympathy and support.

38 weeks - more lessons in patience

38 Weeks!

Do I look patient?

This past week was a tough one for me emotionally, in terms of the pregnancy. I have been having regular contractions for over three weeks now, plus some other early labor symptoms like nausea, bowel issues, and difficulty sleeping. After walking to Jonathan's office for lunch on Tuesday, the contractions picked up a lot. They were intense enough to leave tears streaking down my face. It certainly was not the worst pain I've felt; it hurt, but the tears were more from being overwhelmed by the intensity than the pain. After an hour of these, I had an OB appointment. The OB took one look at me and said, "This could be it!" I told him not to say that and get my hopes up. Sure enough, he checked me, and there was no change from last week (still 80% effaced, 1cm dilated). I was SO discouraged. The intense contractions continued for another half hour before they calmed down a bit. They were still regular, but not so intense. I honestly cried. I thought, there is no way I can do this for weeks on end! Well, I CAN, but I don't want to! After some crying and cussing and an afternoon nap, I got up, played Bob Marley ("Three Little Birds") and played with J.J. I felt so much better. I even got a decent night's sleep that night. Since then, I've decided that I expect Quinn to arrive no earlier than 42 weeks - that's almost a month from now and two weeks past his due date. That way, I will only be thrilled if it happens earlier, rather than be disappointed with each day that passes without his birth. I have been told by many people and read many accounts that recommend that you ignore early labor as much as possible. I think this must be easier to do when early labor lasts a day or two, as it does for most women. It's tough when it's over three weeks. But I am doing my best now  - I'm not watching the clock, I'm not recording the contractions, and I'm taking my day one contraction at a time. Not only is this attitude better for my mood, but it also makes the contractions far more bearable. So do what you will, little boy, I'm going to try to be patient! Take your time to get fat and live it up in the comfort of your free suite while you can. Courtesy of your mom.

 Speaking of getting fat, that's about all Quinn is up to right now, aside from moving a lot and kicking plates off my belly.
 "Your baby has really plumped up. He weighs about 6.8 pounds and he's over 19 1/2 inches long (like a leek). He has a firm grasp, which you'll soon be able to test when you hold his hand for the first time! His organs have matured and are ready for life outside the womb."

Jonathan finished his first week at his new job last week and loves it so far. I visit him every day for lunch, and some days he comes home a bit early to work from home in the afternoon. This job is turning out to be a great opportunity for all of us. And he is of course doing an amazing job, impressing his boss already with his efficiency and productivity.

Our inspections were last week and went well. We submitted our report today and will hear back from the seller within one week. Hopefully all will go well and the sale will continue as expected. I had the opportunity to be in the house again today and was reminded of how much I love it and can't wait to raise our little family in it. And just in time for the holidays!

I hope everyone is well! Let's just assume that there will be a few more pregnancy posts before we get one with a little baby boy's face on it. :)